The Human Condition
by theAsh0
Summary: There were over a thousand ways to kill a man and Logan had, in his rather long and violent existence, both executed and experienced most of them first-hand. But the one Wolverine feared above all was the one good Professor X was currently subjecting him to. Rated for a lil swearing.


**Working title:**** the Human Condition.**

**Disclaimer:**** don't own.**

**Warnings:**** pessimism, misanthropy.**

There were over a thousand ways to kill a man and Logan had, in his rather long and violent existence, both executed and experienced most of them first-hand. But the one Wolverine feared above all was the one good Professor X was currently subjecting him to:

Death by boredom.

That's right- the professor might consider his mind his most powerful weapon, but Logan only ever feared his paralytic benefactor when he brought a different part of his head into bearing: his mouth. Especially when that mouth saw fit to spew forth impassioned speeches on love, peace and the sanctity of life.

_Beginning of friendship_, blah blah blah. _Not here to fight,_ blah blah blah… _Offer a hand in understanding_.

But Satan's balls, if there was to be no fighting, why was Wolverine invited along?

Well, truth be told, Logan knew quite well why he was here. And so did the professor, though Old Baldy would probably not care to admit it. It was due to this thing the professor - and likely Beast as well - would, if pressed, refer to as the 'Human Condition'.

Logan had a few …less savory words to describe it, but still that _thing_ did bring meaning to his existence; it was his raison d'être, so why bother to debase it with curses?

All this aside, Logan just didn't think he was getting paid enough to have to listen to the surreal hippy drivel he was currently having forced through his skull.

Added to that, he was expected to keep a straight face, and perhaps give the occasional nod of understanding. Although, honestly, the Wolverine did not understand any of it. And even if he did, then he'd rather pretend he didn't.

What a joke!

The absurdity of the situation was made much worse by the fact that, off to the side on one of the Blackbird monitors, Beast was addressing a group of scientists with a remarkably similar speech. The volume of Beast's lecture - brought to them from an on-board camera-feed – was low in comparison to Xavier's apparently inflaming words. (Apparently inflaming, for the other X-Men were making loud noises of agreement, at times answering his words with short bouts of clapping.) But wolverines had sharp ears, and he amused himself by homing in on Hank and Charles alternatively.

He doubted the act made either's words any more nonsensical. But they did get more amusing.

"A world where humans and mutants can live side by side…"

-"In peace and equality for all time."

The wolf in him bared its teeth in silent laughter: _'Hahaha! Ho that was just too funny! Piecing two random sentences together could just give you the most crazy coincidences and ridiculous notions…_

'_Oh, wait.'_

Logan suddenly realized he had been listening to the pair talking in stereo. Xavier and Beast had been saying _exactly the same thing_.

Face steeling over, Wolverine completely ignored the happy cat-calls around him and watched the screen. It took the audience below a few beats longer to realize what had been said, likely because they didn't have Logan's 'animalistic, yet stupidly fast thought patterns'. But then, finally, the shocked silence morphed to angry yells. Wolverine rolled his eyes at Beast's shocked reaction, then had to stop himself from repeating the motion when he noticed all the X-Men around him - the professor included - mirroring that same shock.

What did they expect, really?

If a horse walks in on a rickshaw driver's convention and starts talking in plain English, "Oh, yeah. So we're actually intelligent and so we'd like equal rights and job-opportunities if you don't mind. Oh, we're slightly more proficient at the current job you bunch are doing, but I really don't see a problem, do you guys?'" what would happen? Hah! Horse-sausage for everyone that night, bub!

But Beast didn't really see what the problem was. He was still trying to calm down his 'colleagues'. "We are all men of reason, after all."

Logan snorted at that, though hardly from amusement. Beast was getting lip about the "men" part already, but it was the second descriptor Wolverine doubted any of these men – safe, perhaps, the Beast himself – could lay an honest claim on.

Reason? Hah! This crowd of learned men looked more like a bunch of hysteric degenerates by now. They were jeering and booing his poor friend, and it was becoming less and less likely Wolverine's own predictions for the end of this evening would be off.

Yet the Blackbird was still up here, waiting. And Beast was down there, surrounded.

"Professor…" Wolverine growled, urging the man to action.

But it was little use. Charles waved him off, eyes glued to the monitor. "Perhaps our friend can still salvage the situation?"

'_And perhaps I can shove a stick of dynamite up my ass and learn to fly.' _Seriously, Wolverine sometimes just felt the gullible nature of his comrades bordered on stupidity. The whole ordeal just made his knuckles itch. And he had just the nails to scratch it…

"Gentlemen!" sounded Beast's voice from the speakers, imploring his audience. "Let's stay calm. After all, we mutants are just like you… only with improvements..."

Ah, yes, Wolverine considered, wasn't that the heart of it? Beast put his finger right on the sore spot with that. Predictably - but only to Logan it seemed - the crowd went berserk.

Well, Wolverine did sort of feel remorse for his fellow X-Men having their hopes and dreams dashed like this. But all he could think, when the professor called "We have to get Hank out of there, now!" was: _Yes! _

Savoring the feel of adamantium-plated bone sliding through flesh, Wolverine let his claws extend.

The feeling of ecstasy was ruined when Scott, aka Cyclops grabbed his arm tightly.

_Bah…_

And back they went, those claws. For this was neither the time nor the place to challenge Mister Good Guy's authority. Wolverine knew it would just waste time. And there was good fighting, right outside. The others would not see it like that, of course. They were as likely to leave him behind if the wolf started acting up now.

So he didn't; just stared calmly back at Cyclop's dark visor. Logan couldn't see the man's eyes, of course, but his voice suggested disapproval.

"There's to be no killing. We have to be better than that. Better than them. Try and remember."

Their Fearless Leader, always the perfect Boy Scout - condescending tone and everything. Logan was half tempted to explain that killing them fast and clean _still_ made them better. But he resigned himself to growling acquiescence instead.

Scott took a beat too long to release him, probably searching Logan's face for assurance that he was understood. But Wolverine did not bother offering it; Cyclops thought him a stupid half-beast anyway, and Logan hardly felt the need to correct him of the notion. He preferred to be underestimated, actually.

Still, as Logan was last out the Blackbird, he could not help but turn on the professor, with a tap to his wrists as he pretended to tell time. "Two hours and twenty-three minutes of talk before escalation to violence," he half drawled, half snarled at the wheelchair-bound man. "Maybe you are right, and we are evolving toward a peaceful civilization after all."

Oh yes; perhaps the human condition could be cured; given time, love and all the understanding these X-Men around him seemed so full of. With the current rate of progress though, only Wolverine would be alive to see it.

**000**

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